Oh boy.

Jane said that I can start blogging RIGHT NOW.  I am very far behind, so I probably should.

Yesterday, I handed in the first draft of this scary paper to Professor Ewing.  We had a five hour course aimed at peer review, so that should be helpful in the near future.  Jane is currently sitting next to me and reading my paper which is SCARY.  This is a lot like how I felt last night when my peer-review partner was scribbling all over my paper.

It's like a baby, a little bit, that I put a lot of time and effort into that is now getting torn apart.  I know this is all in the name of being helpful and making my work stronger, but review and revision scares me!  I barely ever do it (don't hate me, Jane!)  There's something about producing a work which makes me never want to look at it again.  It's like: "There, I've done what you've asked of me.  Can I go now?"  But the answer is always no, which is a bit annoying and a bit disappointing.  Why can't I be one of those magical people that turns out a perfect essay on the first try?

The writing process was a lot of things.  Tedious and boring but also easy and fast.  It went back and forth between "what the hell am I doing?" and "damn, I know my stuff."  I kept having to find new sources and eliminate ones that I thought I was going to use heavily.  My paper went in strange directions.  I forgot that I didn't have a real conclusion until I handed it in, which was obviously an "oh well, too late" moment.  I panicked a lot over the whole thing, but somehow it ended up being alright.  I was scared 23.5 pages would not be enough but some people showed up with 16.  I was happy with how alright-sounding the whole argument went, although I was able to recognize the holes and issues with transition in my paper.  And of course, now I have a lot of revision to do.

I'm not sure what my revision will entail, but I have some ideas.  I should not be afraid of clearly and wordily fleshing out my argument.  I know that I tend to be vague.  Tabetha told me that I should argue with myself about La Malinche's voice not being present in the historical record because her actions are present.  This made me think a lot about the power of action and agency, which I had already fleshed out a lot in my Octavio Paz analysis.

BLARGH.  That is how I currently feel.